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Years
ago as I worked with a college student I'll call Donna, who
had many problems with depression and abusive relationships,
I did something spontaneously that ended up teaching not
only her but myself something I hadn't ever realized before.
She
came in one day for our regular appointment and instead of
launching into what had been happening to her she announced:
"I'm not going to stay today; I don't want to talk. I'm so
depressed I just want to go home and cry." My response,
which came quickly even though I'd never thought this
through this way before, was, "That's ok, but (smiling) I'm
your counselor so I can't let you go until I know that when
you get home you're going to cry WELL."
Donna:
"What?! Cry well?! You're crazy! If you cry, you cry. That's
it! And I just want to go home and do it."
Me:
"But I can tell that if I send you home right now you're not
going to cry well. So let me briefly show you some things
about crying and then I promise I'll let you go."
Donna:
"Oh all right, but make it short."
Me:
"Ok,
first, all crying not directly precipitated by physical
pain is preceded by a person saying something to their
self that is 'cry-worthy'!" So tears usually don't just
happen, most of our tears are precipitated by something
we say to ourselves just before they flow.
For
a moment think of a recent movie you saw during which you
found yourself crying. Tears have in common that they are
generally wet, but beyond that one set of tears may be
quite different from another. If the movie was sad and
you were thinking sad or hurt thoughts you would have had
one kind of tear. If it was joyful and you cried it was
more because you were filling yourself up with pleasure,
happiness and wishful thinking. Still wet, maybe, but
very different tears.
And
meanwhile, the person next to you in the movie maybe
wasn't crying. So obviously it wasn't the movie that was
Creating your tears! We often say, "The movie made me
cry." But the fact is the movie just played. It was what
the different people in the theater were saying to
themselves as they watched that did or didn't make them
cry and that affected how hard they cried!!
[You
may want to re-read that last sentence. It's pretty
powerful!]
"Secondly,
there is a difference between linear and circular
thinking (self-talk).
Linear
thinking means there is a beginning, a middle, and an
end after which we move on to another set of thoughts or
at least a different angle on those previous thoughts.
Either way, the next thoughts are fairly fresh. In
contrast, …
Circular
thinking is repetitive. There is no distinct
beginning, there certainly is no end, and everything
about it seems like middle. When it does end it is more
because the person is worn out or gets distracted than
because the thinking segment is done.
If you
cry when your thinking is Linear, you will Cry Well.
Crying
Well means to Cleanse, … to let go of or release
feelings.
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When
a person is done crying well, they feel lighter,
more at ease, and usually a little better about
themselves, their world, and their prospects for
having some control. Life hasn't necessarily gotten
any better, but their perspective of life and
themselves has. So they still may feed sad and hurt
and down, but they are less likely to feel rotten
and depressed.
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Tears that come
from linear thoughts like the following will most
likely be pretty healthy tears because the thoughts
and feelings are honest and don't get into judging
and blaming or awfulizing about the
future.
- "Oh, I miss him
so. It's going to be hard adjusting to living
without him."
- "I don't know
what I'm going to do. I suppose I'll find
something, but right now I sure don't know what
or where to look."
- I get so tired
of the pain and stiffness. I just wish it would
go away for a while, but I know that's not
likely. I need to keep working with my meds and
the physical therapist. That will probably help
some. But, oh, this is tiring and
wearing.
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If
you cry when your thinking is Circular, you will Cry
Poorly.
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Crying
Poorly means to hang onto and go over and over your
thoughts about something painful (i.e., Twisting
the Arrows!!) sort of like a cat chasing its tail.
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If those same
thoughts get embellished with further thoughts that
blame others or put ourselves down or awfulize
about what has happened or will happen, then the
circular thinking begins and the tears will
increase and may even change to
sobbing.
Here are some
examples of how the initially healthy thinking
above could become circular and
unhealthy:
- "Oh, I miss him
so. I can't stand it without him and I just
don't want to go on living."
- "I don't know
what I'm going to do. He had no right treating
me that way. And my friends are going to think
I'm so naive and dumb."
- I feel so empty
and lost and alone. I'll probably never find
someone who can love me like that or who can
take her place."
- "I get so tired
of the pain and stiffness. I hate being a victim
of this terrible disease. Why me?! What did I do
to deserve this life of punishment? I just hate
being this way!"
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When
a person is finally done Crying Poorly, they will feel a
little better briefly because of the catharsis, but
mostly they'll just feel exhausted and relieved that it's
over, and will still feel stuck, hopeless and helpless
… all that crying would thus largely serve to
underscore how lousy their life is, how weak they are,
and how out of control they are. So that kind of crying
is likely to get them deeper into depression, not out of
it!
"Donna,
if you'd gone straight home right away today, when you
got there you most likely would have spent your time
wallowing around over your mother's insensitivity and
selfishness and your boyfriend's abuse, and thinking lots
of the angry and self-downing and self-pitying thoughts
you've thought a million times before.
And
you'd have cried and cried and cried, not stopping until
you simply dried up, fell asleep, or wore out.
And
all the time you were crying you'd have been telling
yourself how miserable life is and how you can't stand it
any more, and that would simply give you more to cry
about. So, since that crying wouldn't be helpful to you
and in fact would be harmful, it's clear that you
wouldn't have cried well.
And
that's why I asked you to stay for a little
while.
"Well,
I promised I'd try to be pretty brief, so I'll stop
there. Go on home now, and when you get there, I want you
to try to remember to c-r-y w-e-l-l. OK?"
Donna:
"Sometimes I don't know about you. Ok, ok, I'll try."
And
so Donna left. I followed her to my door and watched her
walk down the long hallway to the staircase. Just as she
turned to go down I called to her,
"Hey
Donna, … do it WELL!"
She
shook her head and let out an expletive. And disappeared
down the stairs.
A
few days later I saw her on campus and asked her how her
afternoon had gone when she got home.
"Dammit,
Giddings, when I got home and thought about things I
couldn't (didn't) cry at all!"
"Gee,
what a shame," said I with a grin and a twinkle in my
eye.
She
shook her head, … and smiled.
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So once again we
see that, although we often don't have much control
over what happens to us or over other peoples'
behavior, if we are attentive to how we talk to
ourselves about the events and relationships in our
life then we can have some control over our
feelings and attitudes and how those events impact
us.
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